"John Ward"
Usenet Poster
jrmward@tpg.com.au
Posted on:
Nov 5, 2007, 3:10 AM
Post #8 of 20
(22 views)
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Hi Arthur,
Fair dinkum - every one of those is an absolute corker, mate!!!  )))))
Thanks for posting them all.
Regards,
John Ward
"Arthur Buse" <spam@zathras.org.uk.invalid> wrote in message
news:5p4cvuFp0jl0U1@mid.individual.net...
> In a survey, 50% of women said their bum is too big. 10% of women said
> their
> bum is too small. 40% said they did not marry the bum for his looks!
>
> =
>
> On the first day home after their honeymoon, the husband said, "If you
> make the toast and pour the juice, breakfast will be ready."
> "How thoughtful," said the wife. "What are we having?"
> "Toast and juice."
>
> =
>
> Young Ian, an 82 year-old man now, went to the doctor to get a
> physical.
> A few days later the doctor saw Ian walking down the street with a
> gorgeous young woman on his arm.
> A couple of days later the doctor spoke to Ian and said, "You're really
> doing great, aren't you?"
> Ian replied, "Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be
> cheerful.'
> The doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur.
> Be careful!"
>
> =
>
> A woman is sick of her husband's drinking and decides to teach him a
> lesson. She dresses up in a Satan costume and when her husband returns
> after
> another bender, she jumps out on him from behind the door.
> "You don't scare me," slurs the man. "I married your sister."
>
> =
>
> A guy walks into work, and both of his ears are all bandaged up. The
> boss says, "What happened to your ears?"
> He says, "Yesterday I was ironing a shirt when the phone rang I
> accidentally answered the iron."
> The boss says, "Well, that explains one ear, but what happened to your
> other ear?"
> He says, "Well . . . I had to call the doctor!"
>
> =
>
> A man was driving home late one afternoon, and he was driving above the
> speed limit. He notices a police car with its blue lights on in his rear
> view mirror.
> He thinks "I can outrun this guy," so he floors it and the race is on.
> The cars are racing down the dual carriageway -- 60, 70, 80, 90 miles an
> hour.
> Finally, as his speedometer passes 100, the guy figures "what the heck,"
> and gives up. He pulls over to the curb. The police officer gets out of
> his vehicle and approaches the car.
> He leans down and says "Listen mister, I've had a really lousy day, and
> I just want to go home. Give me a good excuse and I'll let you go."
> The man thought for a moment and said... "Three weeks ago, my wife ran
> off with a police officer. When I saw your police car in my rear view
> mirror, I thought that you were the officer and that you were trying to
> give her back to me!"
>
> =
>
> A woman named Shirley was from Beverly Hills. One day, she had a heart
> attack and was taken to Cedars Sinai hospital. While on the operating
> table, she had a near-death experience.
> She saw God and asked, "Is this it?"
> God said, "No, you have another 30 to 40 years to live."
> Upon her recovery, she decided to stay in the hospital and have collagen
> shots, cheek implants, a face lift, liposuction and breast augmentation.
> She even had someone dye her hair. She figured since she had another 30
> to 40 years, she might as well make the most of it.
> She walked out of Cedars Sinai lobby after the last operation and was
> killed by an ambulance speeding up to the hospital.
> She arrived in front of God and said, "I thought you said I had another
> 30 to 40 years?"
> God replied, "Shirley! I didn't recognise you!"
>
> =
>
> A man walks into a fishmonger's pushing a blue tuna in a wheelbarrow.
> "Do you make fish cakes?" he asks.
> "Of course," says the fishmonger.
> "Oh good," says the man. "It's his birthday."
>
> =
>
> A husband and wife enter the dentist's surgery.
> The husband says, "I want a tooth pulled. I don't want gas or Novocaine
> because I'm in a terrible rush.
> Just pull the tooth as quickly as possible."
> "You're a very brave man," says the dentist. "Now which tooth is it?"
> The husband turns to his wife and says, "Show him your tooth dear."
>
> =
>
> How important does a person have to be before they are considered
> assassinated instead of just murdered?
>
> =
>
> If money doesn't grow on trees then why do banks have branches?
>
> =
>
> Once you're in heaven, do you wear the clothes you died in for eternity?
>
> =
>
> What ailment did cured ham actually have before it was cured?
>
> =
>
> How is it that we put a person on the moon before we figured out it
> would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?
>
> =
>
> Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up
> screaming every 90 minutes?
>
> =
>
> Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in
> binoculars to look at things on the ground?
>
>
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